


He's Talking to Himself Again

by Quipplepunk



Series: Sirius Black [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety, Disordered thinking, Flashbacks, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Liberal use of the word fuck, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Hatred, Traumatized, personalization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:08:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23795908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quipplepunk/pseuds/Quipplepunk
Summary: Disordered thinking can cause or encourage anxiety and self-hatred. Often times, people experience more than one type. Sirius Black is no exception. He has a tendency to use black and white thinking, sorting everything into two categories of good or bad, right or wrong, love or hate, and so on. Sirius is also prone to personalization, a type of disordered thought process where the person is under the impression that everything another does is in direct response to them. People who personalize situations tend to compare themselves to others in an attempt to see who is smarter, stronger, more attractive, and so on.
Relationships: Sirius Black & Euphemia Potter, Sirius Black & Fleamont Potter, Sirius Black & James Potter
Series: Sirius Black [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1709893
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	He's Talking to Himself Again

**Author's Note:**

> Sirius has run away from his parents' house and is living with the Potters. He's struggling to adjust to his new normal.  
> This piece can be read on its own, though context can be found in the previous work in this series, _Bodies Have Memories, Too._

_“What are those memories of? What happened?”_ Sirius replays James’s words in his head. _“I’m such a dumbass. Why did I tell him any of that? Now he wants to know more. I can’t tell him what happened. Or what hurts. I’m so stupid. Merlin, all I ever do is embarrass myself.”_

Sirius tosses off his blankets and sits up in bed. Thumping his head against the headboard, he thinks, _“He’s going to hate me if he ever finds out. I always make people angry with me. Anyone I live with ends up hating me. It’s my fault. I keep saying all of the wrong things.”_ Tears form on the brim of his eyelids for the fifth night in a row. _“I just need to keep my mouth shut._

_“Then again… lying low never stopped my parents from – no, you don’t have to think about that anymore. Don’t think about that right now.”_ Sirius stands up and walks into the bathroom. 

He stares at himself in the mirror before rubbing his face with cool water. _“I don’t have to think about that anymore. …But maybe I do… It’s all happening all over again. They’re all walking on egg shells like they’re about to snap. They’re going to hate me. No, they do hate me. They have to after what I did. Why did I run? Merlin, I wish they’d just curse me or something so I can just get it over with.”_ Sirius walks to his bedroom and pauses at the door. Before entering, he turns and decides to go downstairs. 

The living room reminds Sirius a little of Grimmauld Place in its dark, empty stillness. _“I really fucked up. I can’t believe I didn’t listen to Mrs. Potter. I made such a mess of the kitchen. I got James in trouble. And then I left the table – No, Mrs. Potter said I didn’t need to ask to leave. Was that a test? Oh fuck, it was a test. And I failed. Of course I did. I can’t believe I did that! Fuck.”_

Sirius sits down hard on the floor in front of the couch, leaning against it. _“Why is everyone always doing that to me? Fucking mind games. Why can’t people ever just say what they mean? I didn’t do anything to provoke her! She just… I was being polite and she set up a stupid test and I failed and now they hate me and I’m going to have to leave.”_

Sirius roughly wipes the tears out of his eyes. _“Maybe I can still show them that I’m sorry. Maybe if I just wait to leave the table after everyone else does, then I don’t have to ask, and … Yeah. Winning the game this time.”_ Sirius smirks. He pushes off the ground and plops down on the couch. _“Winning. This isn’t a game. This is my life. And they’re fucking me over. No. No, I’m fucking me over. Again. Fuck.”_

Sirius rubs at his eyes and curls in on himself, finger nails digging in to his arms. _“There’s no winning here. If I behave, they’ll test me until I fuck up and then their hatred will be justified. If I do what I want, I’ll automatically make them mad and then…”_

Sirius cocks his head to one side, looking to the front door. _“Do you think they’d curse me?”_

Sirius tilts his head to the other side and focuses on the TV in front of him. _“They keep saying they won’t.”_

He looks back to the front door. _“I didn’t think my parents would actually do it either, though.”_

_“Good point,”_ he says to himself, looking back at the TV. 

The conversation with himself, in his own head, carries on. Looking at the door he thinks, _“The Potters are different. They’re kind. They don’t play mind games.”_

_“That’s what everyone says about your family, too.”_

_“No they don’t, stop being ridiculous.”_

_“Alright, fine. But we can’t just assume they mean every word they say. Everyone lies. …You lied to James.”_

_“I did not!” “_

_You did. You lied when you told him that he was stupid and mean for asking what happened to you. You set him up for the question and then you snapped at him.”_

_“Yeah, I know.”_

Sirius sits still for moment. He takes in a shaky breath and drops his head into his hands, crying. His breathing is ragged and uneven. He cries until he’s out of breath. He pulls at his hair, hard. He leans back and lets the couch cushions swallow him up. 

_“You have to make them love you.”_

_“I know. They can’t hate me. I can’t take it.”_

_“You’re smarter than they are. You can do it.”_

_“No, I’m not. But maybe that’ll make it easier for them to love me.”_

_“You can’t keep acting like an arrogant ass if you want to stay here.”_

_“I know it’s my fault, ok? I know. I got myself into this situation. I can get myself out.”_

_“It’s not all your fault, you know.”_

_“Pick a fucking side, will you? Merlin.”_

_“Just keep quiet. Be on time. Remember, compliments go a long way.”_

_“Right. No loud music. Well, not for a while.”_

_“Exactly.”_

_“Yeah.”_


End file.
